Beer-Ligion » Beer Jokes

Only Beer Drinkers Would Understand

JEvidence — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 00:58:27 +0000

In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held.

The presidents of many of the world’s greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first evening.

The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller said, “The Best Beer in the world, an MGD please!”

The president of Budweiser asked for “The King of Beers, make it a Bud!”.

Adolph Coors requested a “From mountain spring water, the clearest beer, a Coors if you don’t mind.
”

And so it went around the large table, each president asking for the brew from his own company as if it was the best.

Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness.

“And you sir?” he queried.

“I’ll have a Coke!” was Guinness’s reply.

“A Coke??!?” The waiter was shocked.

“Wouldn’t you rather have a Guinness, sir?”

Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions.
“Well,” he said, “If they’re not drinking beer, then neither will I!”

The Guinness Bet

JEvidence — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 17:21:47 +0000

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan‘s offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin‘, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.
“

as long as im drunk

JEvidence — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 00:43:12 +0000

No Deal

JEvidence — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 15:38:54 +0000

I recently entered my favourite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at my regular table, I noticed a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table.

I called the waiter over and asked for their best bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is mine.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to me.

Her note reads:
“For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants.”

I, after reading her note, chuckled, and sent a note of my own back to her.

My note read:
“Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850 and a Mercedes 600 SL in my garage. I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off.

JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK.”

The Blind Mans Blonde Joke

JEvidence — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 16:02:51 +0000

A blind man and his guide dog enter a Bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she’s a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler.
Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind guy thinks a moment and says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

My Dad – Never underestimate him

JEvidence — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 23:05:20 +0000

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
“Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

Pub Crawl

JEvidence — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 23:46:33 +0000

An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”
“What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”

Norm!!!

JEvidence — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 17:09:16 +0000

SAM: “What’s new, Normie?”
NORM: “Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach & they’re demanding beer.”

SAM: “What’d you like, Normie?”
NORM: “A reason to live. Give me another beer.”

SAM: “What’ll you have Normie?”
NORM: “Well, I’m in a gambling mood, Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.”
SAM: “Looks like beer, Norm.”
NORM: “Call me Mister Lucky.”

WOODY: “What’s the story, Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let’s cut to the happy ending.”

WOODY: “Hey, Mr. Peterson, there’s a cold one waiting for you.”
NORM: “I know. If she calls, I’m not here.”

SAM: “Beer, Norm?”
NORM: “Have I gotten that predictable? Good.”

WOODY: “How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “Poor.”
WOODY: “I’m sorry to hear that.”
NORM: “No, I mean pour.”

SAM: “What’s going down, Normie?”
NORM: “My butt cheeks on that bar stool.”

WOODY: “Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “All right, but stop me at one. Make that one-thirty.”

SAM: “What’s the story, Norm?”
NORM: “Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.”

WOODY: “What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “The question is what’s going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody.”

WOODY: “Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “A little early isn’t it, Woody?”
WOODY: “For a beer?”
NORM: “No, for stupid questions.”

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

JEvidence — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 04:13:05 +0000

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, carees her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends … Continue reading →

Three Guys In A Truck

JEvidence — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 02:03:33 +0000

Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol’ time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, “What do we do with our beers? We’re in trouble!” “No,” the driver says, “just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking.” So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick ‘em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, “You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?” The driver says, “Oh, no officer,” and points to his forehead, “we’re on the patch, trying to quit.”