True story from Orange County: A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver’s license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing. This true story was told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account.

SAM: “What’s new, Normie?”
NORM: “Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach & they’re demanding beer.”

SAM: “What’d you like, Normie?”
NORM: “A reason to live. Give me another beer.”

SAM: “What’ll you have Normie?”
NORM: “Well, I’m in a gambling mood, Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.”
SAM: “Looks like beer, Norm.”
NORM: “Call me Mister Lucky.”

WOODY: “What’s the story, Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let’s cut to the happy ending.”

WOODY: “Hey, Mr. Peterson, there’s a cold one waiting for you.”
NORM: “I know. If she calls, I’m not here.”

SAM: “Beer, Norm?”
NORM: “Have I gotten that predictable? Good.”

WOODY: “How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “Poor.”
WOODY: “I’m sorry to hear that.”
NORM: “No, I mean pour.”

SAM: “What’s going down, Normie?”
NORM: “My butt cheeks on that bar stool.”

WOODY: “Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “All right, but stop me at one. Make that one-thirty.”

SAM: “What’s the story, Norm?”
NORM: “Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.”

WOODY: “What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “The question is what’s going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody.”

WOODY: “Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?”
NORM: “A little early isn’t it, Woody?”
WOODY: “For a beer?”
NORM: “No, for stupid questions.”

What is the difference between a Good Bartender or a Bad Bartender? We’ve all been upset at poor service but equally I know when I get good service, I remember it! So what are the things that annoy or impress us? A good Bartender:

• Always acknowledges customers at the bar.
• Can take more than one order at a time.
• Pours the pint of Guinness first when dispensing a large order.
• Puts your change in your hand and not on the bar counter.
• Offers to carry the drinks to the table for you when necessary.
• Can explain the difference between different quarter bottles of wine.
• Takes pride in their uniform.
• Prepares sufficient lemon slices in the morning.
• Does not raise their eyes to heaven when asked for an Irish Coffee.
• Knows how to change ashtrays (outside these days..) without ash flying everywhere.
• Does not put their fingers into glasses when clearing tables.
• Knows what’s going on in the area when asked by customers.
• Knows a number for local taxis.
• Takes orders from customers in rotation, without leaving anyone waiting longer than others.
• Asks if the customer would like ice in their mineral water.
• Asks if ice and/or lemon are required in vodka/gin/bacardi.
• Knows how to clean the draught lines (even though he doesn’t have to any more…).
• Understands the importance of discretion.
• Presents the pint glass with the logo facing you.
• Holds glasses a couple of inches below the rim when serving.
• Thanks customers for their business when they are leaving.
• Asks customers if they would like another drink when the glass is almost empty.

A bad Bartender

• Talks to some customers at length while others are left waiting.
• Never washes their hands despite handling glasses by the rim.
• Arrives late and leaves early.
• Is always wondering when they can get their “staff drink”.
• Doesn’t record or care about waste.
• Takes orders from the pretty girls first.
• Dispenses free drinks to the pretty girls “on the house”.
• Adds ice and lemon to drinks as standard.
• Lets the tap run for a second or two before placing the glass underneath.
• Adjusts the gas setting of each tap before pouring a pint.
• Scratches their head and their face during service.
• Doesn’t wear full uniform.
• Encourages friends to drink in the bar when (s)he is on duty.
• Leaves the Cash Drawer open in the cash register.
• Never gives a receipt.
• Hates the thought of serving food.
• Doesn’t know what cutlery/condiments are needed for each dish/drink served.

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” –Dave BarryIf there’s one universal constant in human society, it has to be alcohol. Rare indeed is the culture that hasn’t worked out the tricksy process of fermenting and/or distilling some type of vegetable matter — be it malted barley, potatoes, honey or grape juice — into a brew containing a significant percentage, as the dictionary puts it, of an “organic compound in which a hydroxyl group is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl or substituted alkyl group.” In other words, booze.

Among the mildest and most variable of these alcoholic beverages is that fine elixir known as beer. A true beer connoisseur would never pass up an opportunity to try the local brew, no matter where on Earth where they found themselves, and so it behooves the serious beerologist to know how to order a beer in as many languages as possible. That’s why we’ve taken it upon ourselves to provide you with a handy guide on how to order a beer in 50 different languages. Where the pronunciation isn’t obvious, or in which the term is normally written in non-Roman characters, we’ve rendered it phonetically. Cheers!

One beer, please!

“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” — Frank Zappa

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, ‘It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.’” — Jack Handy

“I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer.” — Abraham Lincoln

“Remember: I before E, except in Budweiser.” — Anonymous

“He was a wise man who invented beer.” — Plato

“Give me a woman who loves beer, and I will conquer the world.” — Kaiser Wilhelm

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?” — Stephen Wright

We old folks have to find our cushions and pillows in our tankards. Strong beer is the milk of the old. — Martin Luther

“I would give all my fame for a pot of ale and safety.” — Shakespeare, Henry V

“Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.” — Dave Barry

The Rules

1. If you drink beer while playing beerpong, drink in moderation and stay in control. This keeps it fun for everyone.

2. Lobs only (strictly enforced, not like regular ping pong. Each ball should have a solid 2-3 foot arc). Winning shots which aren’t lobs don’t count. Re-do the point.

3. Cups go in the corners of the table (paddle in from the side and back of the table)

4. Hoops in the cup = The person who got hooped has to drink a designated amount of beer (determined before the game starts).

5. Hits on the cup, but not in the cup = one sip.

6. The point is never over until the ball is hit off the table, or it bounces twice. A hit on the cup does not count as a bounce (i.e. hit the cup then hit the table, you can still hit it back before it bounces on the table a second time)

7. All drinks (an accumulation of hits) occur after the point is over.

8. The team hooped has the opportunity to throw the ball back into their opponents cup (either one) from their side of the table (don’t lean in too much). If the throwback is successful, the person throwing back gets to decide if both teams drink, or if the drinks are cancelled. Also, if the throwback is successful, the other team gets the opportunity to throw back, thus nullifying the original throwback, and so on.

9. Doubles - partners rotate shots (just like regular ping pong).

10. Singles - cups go into center of table (paddle in from edge).

11. Must win by 2 points.

12. Play to 21 or 11 if others are waiting to get on the table

Other rules to point out:

1. Stoners: If the ball skips off the edge of the table before the other team can get a paddle on it, its declared a “Stoner”. Although the team who made the stoner still gets the point, they have to drink once since they got such a cheap ass point.

2. Space: If you forget the scores, or forget to drink or any other space, you and your partner have to drink.

3. Remember, one for all and all for one. If one teammate drinks, both have to. No saying, “You got hooped, or hit, you drink”. Both teammates drink together.

0- Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1- Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2- Beer warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse. Barmen complimented on nice trousers.

3- Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4- Barmaid complimented on choice of bra/Barmen complimented on his boxers. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisp one by one.

5- Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody French.

6- Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realise that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them you love them and they still have an amazing arse.

7- Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at table with boyfriend/girlfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them across the room. Boyfriend/girlfriend gets pissed off. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea.

8- Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9- Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say “that’s much better”. Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10- Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen’s wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11- Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.

12- Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can’t get key in door. Realise you’ve given address of local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.